Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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