tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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