explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
No subtext here. People are naked.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
