guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He shit in the fireplace
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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