Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
