Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
