If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
