I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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