My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
