I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
