I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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