Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
