I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
