i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
