Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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