The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
