So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Randomize
