he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
