Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
