Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
