i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
