alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
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In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
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I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
And then my night got REAL pukey
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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