I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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