I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
