My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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