when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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