I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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