I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Randomize
