Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
