i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize