i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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