Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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