I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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