and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
