Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
