Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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