i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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