I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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