Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
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Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
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Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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