My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
