I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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