If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
