i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
