this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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