grandma shit on top of the toilet
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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