'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
