I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
