Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
