I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
