I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
