dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
It's never too late to be topless.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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