I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
