Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
