we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
