he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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