I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
