juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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